Ten critical steps for surviving Walt Disney World
Lucky for you, I’m a Walt Disney World expert having visited there probably over forty times (and that’s a conservative estimate). So, if your summer travel plans happen to include a visit to the Magic Kingdom, you’ll thank me for sharing these ten critical steps for making it through with your immediate family intact. (As a caveat, I can’t make promises about your extended family. I’m an expert, not a miracle worker).
Begin Training Six Months in Advance
It is a known fact that by the time you complete your Walt Disney World vacation, you will have logged more miles on foot than Lewis and Clark. That’s because Disney is a cardio program disguised as a theme park. There are many days there that I’ve logged more than 20,000 steps. And it’s not just steps. It’s steps in blistering heat and driving rainstorms dressed in a suffocating overpriced rain poncho that I purchased in a gift shop even though by the time I arrive there I’m already soaking wet. This is clearly not for the faint of heart.
To adequately prepare, you must walk several miles per day. Increase this pace until you feel that you could comfortably hike across Texas carrying a child, a stroller, and a souvenir popcorn bucket the size of a Volkswagen.
It also helps to practice standing motionless while slowly inching forward. This accurately simulates the experience you will have on any of the attractions. For reference, you will spend approximately thirty minutes to an hour doing this for every two minutes spent on an actual ride.
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2. Lower Your Expectations Immediately
Many families arrive at Disney World with the expectation that they will enjoy a magical experience together.
Instead, you will spend a good part of the trip fighting exhaustion, hunger, and refereeing multiple fights over who touched who first. Plan on this and hope for the best.
And if your family manages to go three consecutive hours without a public disagreement, Disney may contact you to film a promotional video.
3. Accept that You Aren’t Just a Parent
At Disney, you are an unpaid logistics coordinator. In fact, not only are you unpaid. You are paying for this privilege, but that is a different subject.
While there, you will be monitoring weather conditions, tracking wait times on your MyDisneyApp, and managing dining and Genie Plus reservations. You will also be expected to have the maps to all four parks memorized, particularly if there is a sudden emergency bathroom need for a member of your party. Then you must not only know the map but immediately have a plan getting you to the nearest bathroom in the shortest amount of time. You’ll be asked to gauge the quickest route back to the hotel (bus, boat, or if budget is not an issue Taxi or Uber).
If you really want to be a hero to your family, you’re also wise to learn the ropes and get a leg up on your competition. There are secrets to really enjoying Disney. For example, the difference between thoroughly enjoying Mickey’s Philharmagic and spending half the time trying to see it from the back corner sitting behind the tallest man on Earth wearing a ten-gallon hat is to strategically know what door to enter and how to gauge how the crowd is moving into rows. This is a skill that takes time to master. Don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t happen for you the first time you try it.
By the time you return home, you will be prepared to successfully orchestrate the invasion and rebuilding of another country. It’s the kind of stuff that would make General Eisenhower proud.
4. Never Trust that a Ride is a “Short Walk Away”
Basically, there is no such thing as a “short walk away” at Disney. Even if the physical distance is only a few feet, the crowds, the heat, and the unfortunate but likely possibility that a parade is ongoing will make the seemingly shortest trip across the park take an hour.
Plan accordingly.
5. Hydrate Like You’re Crossing the Sahara
The Florida sun doesn’t care that you’re on vacation. Plan on lots of heat and humidity. Given that, drink LOTS of water. Also, bring plenty of money to pay for this H2O. It will rank quite high on your line-item trip budget. Failure to follow this simple plan will mean that by 2:00pm, your family will resemble raisins wearing Mouse Ears.
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6. Do Not Make Eye Contact with Gift Shops
This is very important, particularly if you are on a budget (which if you are makes the decision to go to Disney in the first place a bit questionable, but that’s for another discussion).
The powers that be at Disney don’t just haphazardly build gift shops. They place them strategically to entice you to purchase things that you’ll question later as you try stuffing everything in your suitcase or even more so when you get home and ask yourself, “When will I ever wear these Goofy ears again?"
Do not kid yourself into thinking that you can casually browse without buying. Disney’s marketing department is likely full of psychologists working on ways to get you to make a purchase.
Trust me, you will not win.
7. Wear Comfortable Shoes
I cannot stress this enough.
Nobody ever looked at a Disney vacation photo and said, “Look how miserable they are but don’t their shoes look fabulous?”
When it comes to Disney, you aren’t there to make a fashion statement. Going on a vacation that will require months of physical therapy to be able to walk again is not a vacation.
8. Understand that Photos Are Lies
When you arrive at any of the four Disney World parks, you will instantly see professional photographers waiting just past the entrance to take a fun family photo.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t do it, but when you do keep in mind that these people are skilled to make you and the rest of your family look for one brief second like you’re having a great time. While this is a nice vacation souvenir to sit on your desk at home, don’t let it be the reason you return again and again. This “reminder” of the great trip you had the first time you went is probably not the best evidence that you should do it all over again.
9. Build Rest Into Your Schedule
This is perhaps the most important advice.
Sometimes the greatest attraction is actually a hotel room with air conditioning.
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10. Remember the Goal Here is to Build Memories
Whatever happens on your Disney vacation, you will create family memories that will last a lifetime. The ones you cherish the most may be something silly (or stupid) you did. And they aren’t necessarily the sort of stand out events that other people would appreciate. When my oldest son was three, he wanted to ride the Buzz Lightyear Space Ranger Spin ride repeatedly. It was a relatively quiet day at the park so we were able to do it. His utter enthusiasm is something I will always remember.
Cherish and take note of all the good things that will happen on your trip.
Because if we remember only the heat, the lines, the walking, the expense and the fact that one turkey leg costs the same as a used Honda Civic, nobody would ever go back.
For those of you brave enough to try it, I hope this helps. And for all of you this Monday, as they say at Disney, “Have a Magical Day!”
