If Your Daughter Is Thinking About Marriage, Send Her This

June is wedding season. Apparently, every engaged couple in America simultaneously looked at the calendar and thought, "June seems nice." Try booking a wedding venue this month and you'll quickly discover that unless you're perfectly happy celebrating your anniversary every year on June 13th (because you married on Friday the 13th), you're going to have some competition.

Weddings are exciting. Everyone spends months obsessing over flowers, centerpieces, signature cocktails, and whether Cousin Eddie can be trusted near the open bar.

Oddly enough, almost nobody spends nearly that much time thinking about the marriage.

The wedding lasts about six hours. The marriage, if all goes according to plan, lasts sixty years.

As moms, we spend years trying to prepare our children for adulthood. We teach them to say "please" and "thank you." We remind them to wear sunscreen, save for retirement, and never text anything they wouldn't want read aloud in court. Relationship advice, however, is where our influence tends to end.

When I was in my twenties, I didn't want my parents' opinion unless it sounded something like this:

"We absolutely love him."

"He's wonderful."

"You've clearly inherited our excellent judgment."

Any sentence beginning with, "Have you considered . . ." immediately disappeared into the same part of my brain where I stored Algebra II.

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Recently, though, a young woman posed a question that stopped me in my tracks: "What do you wish you'd asked your husband before you married him?"

I've thought about it ever since.

I've asked friends. I've read what the experts have to say. And after giving it a lot of thought, I don't actually think that's the right question.

I think the better question is:  What do you wish you'd known?

Because the truth is, most of us asked plenty of questions while we were dating. We just had absolutely no idea which answers would matter twenty-five years later.

For example, I don't remember asking my husband whether he wanted children.

I knew that.

I don't remember asking about retirement goals.

I assumed we'd figure that out.

The things that really matter are often revealed long after the honeymoon—usually sometime between your first major disagreement, your first financial setback, your first sleepless night with a newborn, or the first time one of you attempts to assemble furniture from IKEA using confidence instead of instructions.

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That's when you begin meeting the real person. Not because anyone intentionally deceived you while dating. It's just that everybody is their best self over candlelit dinners and weekend getaways. It's easy to be charming when someone else is bringing you warm bread before the entrée arrives.

Marriage isn't tested in Maui.

It's tested when your flight home is canceled, your toddler has thrown up in the rental car, your luggage is vacationing in Des Moines without you, and somebody calmly says, "Let's just make the best of it."

That's why, if I could offer one piece of advice to someone getting married, it wouldn't be to ask whether he likes dogs, wants children, or prefers mountains over the beach.

I'd pay close attention to something much bigger.

How Does He Handle Stress?

Everyone is kind when life is easy.

Marriage isn't tested during beach vacations and date nights. It's tested during job losses, sick children, financial pressure, aging parents, and unexpected crises.

Does he become angry? Does he blame others or withdraw completely?  Or is he a calm problem solver?  If he’s the latter, it’s a rare trait that is a huge plus in a relationship.

How your spouse responds in those tough moments tells you infinitely more than how he behaves over filet mignon and crème brûlée.

What Does “Enough” Look Like?

Here's something nobody tells you when you're twenty-three and picking out china patterns you'll eventually donate to Goodwill.

Love is important.

Shared values are also important.

Some people are fueled by ambition. They genuinely love working. Give them a challenge, a deadline, and three cups of coffee, and they're happier than a toddler with a cupcake. Other people dream about dinner around the table every night, family vacations, and a job that stays at the office when they come home.

Neither person is wrong.

But if one of you thinks working until 10:00 p.m. is perfectly normal and the other starts filing a Missing Persons report at 6:30, you're going to have problems.

I practiced law for years. Many of the attorneys I knew were incredibly driven. They weren't just working to make a living. They were working because they genuinely loved the competition, the challenge, and occasionally billing by the hour. If you're married to someone like that, you can't spend twenty years hoping they're suddenly going to become the guy who surprises you with spontaneous picnics every Tuesday.

Likewise, if someone dreams of coaching Little League, grilling burgers on weekends, and never missing a school play, don't marry him expecting he'll someday decide becoming CEO is his life's calling.

People generally become more like themselves over time—not less.

How Does He Fight?

Every couple argues.  And if you say that your relationship is so perfect that you’ve never had an argument then someone is repressing some deep feelings that are likely to emerge at the most inopportune time (i.e., after the honeymoon).

The question isn’t whether you will disagree, it’s how you disagree and whether it is done safely.

Does he insult you or stonewall?  Does he hold grudges so the argument is never quite over?  Or does he take time to cool off and come back later when things are calmer and rational? 

That doesn’t mean if you and your current significant other haven’t had a big blow up yet, you should start one to test the waters.  It just means that if you walk down the aisle without ever getting through at least one big disagreement to see how everyone handled the situation, you should see that as a potential red flag.

What Did His Family Teach Him about Marriage?

Every family has traditions.

Some families hug. Some families shake hands.

Some families communicate openly. Some communicate exclusively through passive-aggressive comments at Thanksgiving.

You don't just marry a person. You marry their normal.

Maybe his family discusses every problem immediately. Maybe yours believes feelings should remain bottled up until someone explodes over improperly loaded silverware.

Neither feels unusual to the people who grew up with it until they get married. Then suddenly one person thinks talking through conflict is healthy, while the other thinks, "If we ignore this long enough, perhaps it'll die on its own."

(In case you’re wondering, it won’t.)

Also, and this is important, you marry the family.

If his mother calls every morning before breakfast, she isn't going to stop because of your honeymoon.

She's just going to start calling both of you.

How Important is Money to Him?

Some people are obsessed by wealth and status.  Other people are completely content with having just enough to be comfortable.  Make sure you’re on the same page here.  Also, how does he handle money?  How do you handle it?  It’s important that you’re compatible in your approach to money (unless you both routinely spend more than you have in which case you should be mutually okay with bankruptcy).

How Does He Treat People Who Can’t Help Him?

This may be the simplest advice of all.

Watch how he treats people who can't do anything for him. The waiter. The cashier. The airline employee whose computer just crashed. The elderly woman walking slowly through the grocery store.

Character shows itself most clearly when no one is keeping score. If someone is consistently kind to people they don't need to impress, chances are they're genuinely kind. And that's the sort of quality that becomes more valuable with every passing year.

A Final Thought

After enough years of marriage, I've become convinced there isn't one magical question that guarantees you'll live happily ever after. If there were, Hallmark would've printed it inside every engagement card by now.

The truth is, people change. Careers, dreams, sizes, and hairlines change.  Knees begin making mysterious popping noises every time you stand up. One day you'll wake up next to the same person you've loved for decades and realize you're both older, hopefully wiser, and arguing about whose turn it is to call the plumber.

And that's okay.

Because the happiest marriages aren't built on finding someone perfect. They're built on finding someone whose imperfections become familiar. Someone whose quirks become family stories. Someone who still makes you laugh after all these years.

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So, if your son or daughter asks, "What should I know before I get married?"

Tell them this:

Marry someone you genuinely admire.

Marry someone who is kind when life isn't.

Marry someone who can laugh at themselves.

And if you can find someone who also closes cabinet doors, replaces the empty toilet paper roll, and understands that "We're leaving in five minutes" actually means five minutes . . .. put a ring on it immediately.