La Dolce Vertigo
When you think of Capri, most people picture glamorous, beautiful young people lounging on yachts while sipping Prosecco.
Every once in a while, however, a middle-aged mom washes ashore.
This is my story.
Before I continue, let me clearly state that Capri is beautiful. The Amalfi Coast is breathtaking. The people are warm and friendly, and the food is spectacular. I'm not knocking Capri at all.
Where I probably went wrong was trying to vacation there while recovering from a concussion and still dealing with dizziness and balance issues. No one with half a brain would voluntarily travel to a place that requires an hour-long boat ride followed by a drive featuring roughly thirty hairpin turns.
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It was sort of like taking the family to Disney World and announcing, "You all go ahead. I'm just going to ride the Teacups all day."
Consequently, I developed vertigo. After a while, I wasn't sure whether I was dizzy from the concussion, the boat rides, the winding roads, or simply because the island itself spins.
The average Italian probably assumed I'd been over-served. I couldn't have walked a straight line if my passport depended on it.
Fortunately, my friends were wonderful. They spent the week making sure I didn't tumble off a cliff into the Tyrrhenian Sea.
One day in the middle of the trip was the most concerning. I woke up severely dizzy and falling over. Unfortunately, our Internet was working. I say unfortunately because I immediately Googled causes of such a severe condition and the first medical condition that came up was a stroke.
We were staying at a villa and the staff immediately jumped into action. Antonio, who ran the house, called for a doctor. There was no doctor. He called over to the hospital. Unfortunately, for some reason (perhaps something got lost in translation), there wasn’t a doctor there either. He then hopped on his Vespa and rode to the Farmacia and brought back aspirin.
Meanwhile, the chef located a blood pressure cuff that was still in the box. I actually found that reassuring since it probably meant no previous guest had required emergency medical attention.
He carefully studied the instructions in Italian before wrapping the cuff around my wrist. I was fairly certain that wasn't right. One of the housekeepers even came over and insisted it belonged higher on my arm, but he pointed confidently to the picture on the box.
"See?"
Since he barely inflated the cuff, I hardly felt anything.
A moment later he smiled.
"Normal."
Apparently, the blood rushing through my wrist was doing an outstanding job.
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Somehow, I didn’t find much comfort in his diagnosis.
During these dizzy days, TikTok got hold of me and convinced me that the single most important destination on the island of Capri wasn't the Blue Grotto or the Piazzetta.
It was the pharmacy.
Apparently Italy is home to the greatest sunscreen, skincare products and over-the-counter medicines on Earth. Within hours I'd compiled a shopping list long enough to qualify as a prescription.
One afternoon I staggered past Dior, Chanel and Yves Saint Laurent in search of the island's most famous pharmacy only to discover it was closed for lunch.
This forced me to walk further to the pharmacy next to the taxi stand. That pharmacy is for genuine illness so the selection was quite limited. The only influencer-approved product they carried was a particular feminine wash.
When I took it to the register, the pharmacist looked genuinely confused. Here stood a woman drenched in sweat, unable to pass a field sobriety test, buying exactly one thing.
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Feminine wash.
She politely explained what it was for and practically demonstrated how to use it.
"That's exactly what I wanted," I assured her.
She finally relented, though I'm fairly certain she spent the rest of the afternoon wondering what on earth this particular American tourist was doing on Capri.
Ultimately, I purchased most of the things on my “wish list.” I’m sure the customs officer is still shaking his head at the American woman who went all the way to Capri and came back with a bottle of aspirin and some feminine wash.
I hope I'm not giving the wrong impression. I really did have a wonderful trip.
We visited several beautiful beach clubs. At one of them I managed to crawl across the rocks and into the Mediterranean. At another—the most famous beach club on Capri—I spent most of the afternoon hugging a giant boulder because it was the only patch of shade available. So while everyone else was living their best Italian summer, I was essentially vacationing like a lizard.
When people tell you Europe was hot this summer, believe them.
Will I return to Capri?
Absolutely.
The next time I go to Capri, however, I'm skipping the Blue Grotto and heading straight to the Farmacia (except between the hours of 2pm and 4pm).
