My husband doesn’t snore. Just ask him.

Recently, on a Southwest Airlines flight, I sat next to a young man who appeared to have every symptom I associate with sleep apnea.

Unfortunately for me, he slept through most of the flight, which meant he also snored for two and a half straight hours. Occasionally his breathing seemed to stop, and then he would jerk awake and catch his breath.

Two things stopped me from doing what comes naturally to every mother and waking a complete stranger to offer unsolicited medical advice.

First, I worried he might think it was none of my business. Probably even his own mother couldn't make such a suggestion without some pushback.

Second, and forgive me for stereotyping, he appeared to be someone who, when not flying Southwest, might belong to a motorcycle gang.

If being told he snored was going to upset him, I didn't want to be the first person to break the news.

Snoring is a thing we really don’t discuss enough. 

Think about it.  When two people share a bed and one of them snores, it’s inevitable that fifty percent of those people are sleep deprived. 

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That’s a lot of people and clearly explains some of the dangers in society.

I also understand that sleep apnea (which is frequently connected to snoring) causes sleep deprivation.  That means no one is sleeping and sleep is an important key to good health.

I am not going to pretend that I’m the tragic victim of a snoring spouse.  My husband and I have both snored at various times, and we each have our own stories to tell.

As an attorney, I think it would be interesting to use spousal snoring in a law school Evidence class.  That’s because the discussion about whether snoring is happening nearly always plays out the same way.

WIFE:  “You kept me up all night with that snoring.  It sounded like something that would exist if a water buffalo and a leaf blower had a baby.”

HUSBAND:  “I didn’t hear it.  I don’t think I snore.”

By that logic, if you sleep through a burglary, it didn’t happen.

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Some women resort to recording the event.  Occasionally, that at least resolves the question as to whether or not there is snoring but not always.  Even with strong evidence, denial still happens.

Most women attempt to resolve the issue by offering a gentle nudge when the sound becomes unbearable.  This usually works, at least temporarily.

And yet, it’s not always effective.  There is the gentle loving touch on the shoulder.  No response.  Then there is a slightly more aggressive but still careful nudge again.  Still no response.  Finally, there is a push on the back that could get you ejected from a Southwest Airlines flight. 

Inevitably, he bolts up angrily, “Why did you just hit me?”

“Because you were snoring.”

“That’s impossible,” comes the reply, “I wasn’t even asleep.”

I’ve learned over the years that many husbands believe that it’s entirely possible to snore while you’re wide awake.  The question I still ask is if you’re awake, why are you snoring?

I still haven’t heard a reasonable answer.

There is also the belief that it’s impossible to snore if you’re sleeping on your side. But try rolling a grown man over from his back to his side when he’s sound asleep.  By the time you accomplish this feat, you feel like you’ve gone through an entire CrossFit workout and now you’re wide awake. What’s worse is thirty seconds later the snoring subject is back at it again.

As a big shopper myself, I’ve tried all kinds of products to solve the problem.  The options are endless. Nasal strips. Special pillows. Humidifiers. Mouthguards. Chin straps. Earplugs. White-noise machines. Brown-noise machines. A $400 pillow designed by NASA.

At some point your bedroom begins to resemble a medical-supply store.

I did find something I loved.  It’s called Ozlo earbuds and it literally blocks out every noise imaginable.  There are only two problems.  First, they are very expensive.  Probably more important, though, I soon realized after using them awhile that it also blocks out the sound of someone screaming for help or the smoke detector going off.  

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It’s not unusual to find a snoring spouse reporting that he slept like a baby while you spend the following day downing four cups of coffee with giant bags under your eyes.  

My husband and I resolved our sleep/snoring issues by getting sleep studies and each purchasing an apnea machine.  It’s not the most romantic thing to have by the side of the bed but at least it prevents the marriage from becoming a Dateline episode.

We still have an issue with our dog.  Yes, he snores.  Last night, I nudged him gently after a snoring episode.

He opened one eye and looked at me as if to say, “Why did you do that?  I wasn’t even asleep.”

I’m left with one option.

Tomorrow, I’m signing him up for a sleep study.