In my day, we just went to school

It’s hard to believe, but it’s already Back to School time.

For some mothers, this is a season of sadness. They’ll miss the sound of little feet running through the house, the refrigerator opening and closing 47 times a day, and those sweet young voices calling out: “I’m bored.” “There’s nothing to eat.” “Can you drive me somewhere?”  Other mothers are dealing with an entirely different kind of sadness: the realization that they can no longer put off serving breakfast until 10:00 a.m. on a weekday, assuming they serve breakfast at all. Then there is a third group. They’ve been waiting for this day since the final school bell rang in May.

As a culture, we’ve created all sorts of customs and rituals surrounding the first day of school. Apparently, this is true around the world. In Germany, for example, children starting school traditionally receive a giant decorated cone filled with candy, toys and school supplies. This seems extremely civilized. Nothing says, “Welcome to 12 years of compulsory education” quite like toys and chocolate.

In the United States, our traditions tend to be a little different.

Here are some of my favorites.

First Day of School Signs

I don’t remember anyone taking a “First Day of School” photograph when I was growing up.

Photography required commitment in those days. First you had to find the camera. Then you had to make sure it had film. Then you took exactly one picture because film cost money. Then someone drove it to the drugstore. A week later, you discovered your mother had cut off half your head.

There were no retakes. No filters. No standing on the porch for 37 minutes while Mom shouted, “Just ONE more!” If our parents wanted a decent photograph, they waited for School Picture Day, when a professional photographer posed us in front of a mysterious blue background.

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Today, children stand outside their homes holding elaborate signs announcing: FIRST DAY OF FOURTH GRADE!

Name: Madison
Age: 9
Favorite Food: Sushi
Future Career: Marine Biologist

The idea is that parents will take one of these pictures every year until graduation and someday their children will lovingly sit down and look through them.

They won’t.

These photographs are for us. And if you can still get your child to willingly hold one of those signs after about fourth grade, you possess powers the rest of us would like to study.

Senior Sunrise

At many high schools, seniors gather on the football field before dawn at the beginning of the school year to watch the sunrise together. At the end of the year, they return for Senior Sunset, symbolically marking the end of their high school years.

Mothers find this touching.

We also find it interesting that we got up before sunrise for approximately 18 consecutive years for these same children and nobody once organized a commemorative gathering. There was no music. No group photograph. Nobody handed us coffee.

We just made waffles.

Chalk the Walk

In particularly ambitious communities, parents gather the day before school begins and write encouraging messages in chalk on the sidewalks:

YOU’VE GOT THIS!

HAVE A GREAT YEAR!

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!

This seems like a tremendous waste of an excellent communication opportunity.

I’d suggest:

YOUR ENGLISH TEST IS THURSDAY.

YOUR LUNCH MONEY IS IN YOUR FRONT POCKET.

TUCK YOUR SHIRT IN.

First Day Clap-Ins and Cheer Tunnels

Some schools have parents and teachers line up to create a cheering tunnel while students run into the building. For kindergartners, this is adorable. For middle schoolers, this could possibly be a violation of the Geneva Convention.

Senior Car Decorating

Where I live, seniors decorate their cars with paint announcing “SENIOR 2027!”

Senior car decorating has apparently become a competitive sport. I’ve seen cars covered with so much paint that the only unobstructed glass is a tiny peephole in the windshield. The Class of 2027 may be college-bound, but first they have to make it out of the school parking lot alive.

Blessing of the Backpacks

Some religious schools hold a special Blessing of the Backpacks before the academic year begins. I wholeheartedly support this. Have you ever opened a middle school boy’s backpack in February? It needs all the help it can get. Possibly an exorcism.

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And finally, the Greatest Back-to-School Tradition Ever Invented

For more than two decades, seniors at Bishop Kelley High School in Tulsa, Oklahoma, have greeted incoming freshmen in the drop-off line on their first day.

There is one condition before a freshman is allowed to get out of the car. The student must give Mom a goodbye kiss. Right there in front of the seniors. If Mom isn’t present, Dad or another guardian will do.

The tradition reportedly began as a way to embarrass freshmen.

I don't know who came up with this idea, but I believe this individual deserves a position with the Department of Education because this is genius.

For years teenagers have perfected the art of making their mothers drop them off farther and farther away from school.

“Here is fine.”

“We’re still three blocks away.”

“I KNOW.”

They recoil when Mom says “I love you” within earshot of another human being. Public hugging is prohibited. Waving is discouraged. Honking the horn can result in permanent estrangement.

And now an entire school has institutionalized the mom kiss. I'd like to see this expanded nationwide.

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Freshmen must kiss Mom. Sophomores must give her a full hug. Juniors must yell, “I LOVE YOU, MOM!”before entering the building.

And seniors who have spent four years asking to be dropped off around the corner must walk through the front doors holding Mom’s hand while she carries their lunchbox.

We could even add a final requirement.

Before graduation, every student must publicly acknowledge, “My mother was right about at least 70 percent of everything.”

Now that is a school tradition mothers could get behind.

Happy Back to School.